My Alleged Husband

Chapter 1983 - 1777: Unspeakable Pain

Many times, it’s not that you don’t want to speak, but rather you don’t even know where to start.

Zhao Jing feels her husband is really very foolish, no matter how far she’s gone, why does he still choose to stay together with her? Is she really worth so much of his love? Hurting her again and again, yet she doesn’t care about the harm she’s done to him, instead, he loves her even more intensely. Is what she’s doing right or wrong? For a man who no longer has any ties to her, she’s abandoned her family, leaving everyone in her home deeply doubtful, and questioning what she truly wants out of this life? Who knows how painful her existence really is, how sorrowful?

Why is the heavens so unfair to her? All she wants is a man she loves, she’s willing to sacrifice everything for this person, at any cost. Yet no matter what she does to him, he never wants to stay by her side. In his eyes, does she truly make him hate her so much? Everyone has their own way of living, but because of her actions, she’s eventually hurt him. How can he come back to her side? The repeated pain makes her feel anguished inside, but her life has been very sad too.

"Actually, I really can’t understand why the heavens are so unfair to me. The person I love most sincerely refuses to stay by my side, while the one I hate most appears before me again and again. Must I really never get everything I want in life in this lifetime? Are my actions really making everyone detest me that much? Why must I live my whole life never receiving others’ care and affection, why must my life be so sad, so painful? Isn’t it better to live simply? Why must I be forced onto a dead end?"

I really don’t understand how I should act to return everything to its original state. The repeated heartaches leave me no way to keep suffering like this, over and over. What I want ultimately is out of reach, yet what I don’t care for confronts me repeatedly. How much regret I have, how much I care about all of this. Everyone lives for their own ideas, but I live for others, yet my whole life I’ve never lived for anyone, never lived for myself, but I’ve always been living for the person I love most. If he’s happy, I’m happy; if he’s upset, I’m terribly upset. His every mood move every nerve in me, I’ve become gradually numb, not knowing if my actions are right or wrong. Everyone has the right to choose, but why do I choose mistake after mistake, never getting what I deeply desire? Am I truly so unwelcomed?"

"Actually, it’s not that there aren’t people who love you in this world, it’s that you’ve lost the ones who love you and the ones you love. You’ve never considered what pain your actions would bring. You delve deep into your heart to numb yourself, always believing all is right, but did you know each person’s pain, everyone alive is deeply sorrowful? I really don’t know what I should say anymore, repeated pains have made me gradually numb, my heart no longer belongs to me, every nerve is tied to his emotions, yet there is no happiness in my life."

Don’t keep yearning for things you shouldn’t possess. Everyone has something they long for. Perhaps in this life, you’ll never attain the love or the beloved one you strive for, ultimately living in the depths of agony, never able to free yourself from it. But who would care about your feelings behind each heartbreak? When you are in anguish, where is he? His heart equally aches as yours, but he never wants to come out for a meeting because deep inside he hates you already, no longer loves you, he only harbors deep hatred, yet your profound love for him decides what kind of life you’ll lead for this lifetime!

You love him so much, but does he know the extent of your sacrifices? You disregard your own life time and again, but does he really know? Does he know you could even abandon your life for him? Why make yourself so numb, why subject yourself to repeated wounds? Each person has their way of life. Don’t you know letting go may be the best way for you?"

"How could I not know that letting go is the best way? But I can’t let him go. Time and again, it causes deep pains in my heart. What I desire has never been attained. The time spent with him was the happiest of my life. For him, I wouldn’t hesitate to give up everything I possess, for him I’d suffer alcohol poisoning and hospitalization. All just to see him once. Is that wrong? Is loving someone really such a mistake? I don’t want anything else, I just want to stay by his side. I just want to see him happy every day, all his happiness emanating from my presence, not because of anyone else. Actually, I am indeed selfish, if I can’t get something myself, I’d rather destroy it than let others have it!

Perhaps human nature is just this selfish, all these years, not a single person knows what kind of pain they’ll face in this life. Again and again, it turns one’s life unbearable. What do I truly want? In the end, I seek only for the person I love most to return to my side. Missing opportunities time and again, grief overwhelming me, has ultimately shaped me into who I am today, unconcerned with any pain, unconcerned with my life, caring only whether he can come back to see me, nothing else is important. What matters is whether he can return to my side. Life truly is sorrowful and exhausting for everyone. There’s no one unburdened, life is never without hardships; perhaps that’s what makes living the hardest challenge!"

Reflecting on the hidden struggles I had back then, wasn’t my heart deeply grieved too, so why mention such things that would only add to my pain?